you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
