There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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