i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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