god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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