You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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