I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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