$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
