I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
