I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
