My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Why is your signature on my underwear?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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