ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Randomize
