He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
