Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
