Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
