she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
