last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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