i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
