U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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