Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Your penis caused this!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
