I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
