I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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