if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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