In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
