I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
