Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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