I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
