I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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