Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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