youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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