Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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