Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Randomize
