I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
