I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Randomize
