I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
