so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The power of my boobs compel you
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
