I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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