She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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