Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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