you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize