I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
