why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize