What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
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