I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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