Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Randomize
