He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
