Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
