Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize