god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
