Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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