Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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