To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Pants are for mortals
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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