I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I need a burrito and a hug.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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