whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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