I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
