even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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