What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
