not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
