He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
