your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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