I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
