I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
