New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
