I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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