If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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