You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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