i jhust puked up my retainher.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
